From China Connection, a national independent newsletter for China-adoptive families (Oct.-Nov., 1995 issue):
[Editor's note: The following article is presented intact on
this www page. There was some temptation to remove the beginning
reference, since it was only a jumping-off point.]
Care Needed in Making Statements to Public Media
The recent CBS-TV Eye to Eye broadcast, which dealt in part with Chinese orphanages and adoption of Chinese children, and featured excerpts from an independently-produced documentary-style video called The Dying Rooms, is one more reminder of how complicated our job is as adoptive parents to protect the well-being of our children while sharing information, including our own experiences, with others. It might be useful to have a set of guidelines. What follows is an initial attempt in that direction.
A useful starting point is to determine who the listener is. Perhaps these five categories cover the field:
· Someone who wants to adopt a child.
· A family member or friend.
· A stranger who seems friendly (as in the supermarket, etc.).
· A curiosity seeker (who might even be "fishing" for support for his/her negative or prejudiced views).
· Unknown-or a group of all of the above (for example: audience of public news media).Once the listener is identified, it is easier to decide whether to speak or what to say.
Second, it is good to do some "homework" along the lines of: (1.) What is my objective in speaking (answering questions, etc.)?, and (2.) What background points are most important for the listener's understanding?
Perhaps apparent, but still useful to verbalize for ourselves, our objective in speaking of our child's adoption may be: To give helpful information or to share personal experience, but only if I can do so without hurting the child or others (now or later).
Specifically, this balancing requires that I avoid saying things that inadvertantly (1.) reinforce stereotypes that encourage others to regard my daughter (or Chinese adoptees in general) in an unfavorable or detrimental way, or (2.) reflect negatively on Chinese culture or ethnicity.
Of course, as adoptive parents, we want to be truthful and to help advance understanding when we can. But, the conditions in another culture that bear on the circumstances of children and the mechanism of adoption are complex and varied, and often unknown to the listener. We adoptive parents develop our own understanding of China and Chinese culture both by traveling to the country and by reading, seeing films and television reports and becoming acquainted with Chinese people around us. When our listener has none of this background information, what will he or she "hear" as we speak?
A short catalog of points useful for providing context:
Socially and economically, China is struggling to overcome the effects of the population crisis which earlier threatened disaster. The one-child policy creates dilemmas for people both economically and culturally.
Traditionally, the responsibility to care for the aging parents goes to the (oldest) son. This is the "social security" system. A Chinese daughter "leaves" her family to join her husband's family.
It is traditionally considered a dishonor to one's ancestors if there is no son to pass on the family name. (This is pointed out by Jung Chang in her memoir, Wild Swans, Doubleday; first pub. by Simon & Schuster, 1991.)
Since abortion is readily available in China, a woman who has a child has chosen to. If a newborn is given up, it is sometimes through pressure from other family members and not necessarily the wish of either or both parents.
· - · Changes are being made in attitude and practice, but solutions to complex social problems are never quickly accomplished.
· - ·
The great love the Chinese have for their children must be evident to even the casual traveler.
· - ·No doubt the listener who lacks information about China will substitute something from imagination or assume his or her own hometown context applies. This suggests that conveying the background information, the unique circumstances, is the most important part of what we may say. A useful signal to an impatient listener is to say up front something like: 'There are certain elements of the picture that can't be left out if you want to understand it at all.'
The most challenging "listener" is the public media, since words and expressions are recorded and presented in an edited and selective way. A reporter or editor does not have to be malicious to "get it wrong" in some way. If one grants an interview, it might be helpful to imagine that your daughter is listening in as a teenager. After all, she might dig up the report when she grows up.
When we speak to other individuals, known to us or not, it continues to be important to provide background information they may not have. This should not be minimized just because the listener is a family member or friend, either, since these people will have extended contact with your child. Their feelings and attitudes will be communicated to your child.
· - · If such serious thoughts threaten to warp our own perspective, we adoptive parents need only think of the positive response we see from others when we are out with our children. And from our experience in China, it seems that the great love the Chinese have for their children must be evident to even the casual traveler.
A closing note: I have tried to touch all the bases, but not belabor matters. This tends to mean that obvious points are stated (and maybe some important ones left out), but I hope it is a useful structure for the reader's own thinking. - BC